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CONSTANTINE Video Review!

See what the Comic Book Jerk thinks about CONSTANTINE in the latest review. Be prepared, as hilarity will ensue!
WARNING! If your easily offended by coarse language, potty humor or need your mother's permission to watch a movie, then please do not watch or read the review below! NSFW!







Constantine is a freaking sweet! You can say whatever you like about the casting or bitch about how it doesn't follow the comic books, but this movie doesn't have to kiss the comic readers ass because no one read that shit anyways!
Half the [frick]ing people I know didn't even know
it came from a comic, but they agree this movie kicks ass.
At the beginning of the movie you can tell it's going to be pretty awesome just from the snazzy logo, but once you see the epic exorcism into the mirror you know you're in for one hell of a ride!



This movie came out before Shia LaButt would become a douche bag Hollywood piece of shit bent on ruining your whole [frick]ing childhood with his Indiana Jones bullshit or his piss [frick]ing poor Transformer films.
And I think it's even before he decided to be an asshole, throwing coffee and autographs at people. He really ruins this film for me when I think about it,but this was "Even Stevens-Er"a LaButt so he’s a little bit cooler than Transformers asshole jerk LaButt. But enough about him, this movie’s about Keanu kicking demon ass.

So, John Constantine only has a short time to live before the years of puffing Joe Camels catches up with him and he gets dragged to hell. He's basically trying to redeem himself or some shit he did as a teenager.
So he finds out about a woman whose sister committed suicide and I guess she has psychic powers or something.
But honesty I think the woman could have survived the fall; she did fall into a [frick]ing swimming pool you know!

Oh well, I have to hand it to the director as some of his camera angles are really cool. I’d definitely recommend watching I Am Legend and comparing these two films because this guy knows how to make a [frick]ing movie.
But I however, found a few scenes that seemed pretty corny; like when John gets some dragon’s breath stuff and says "I just pulled a soldier demon out of a little girl." It just sounds ridiculous "WHAT!? No, really, you did what?"
I don't know why that’s so funny, maybe it’s the way he says it or something.
But back to the movie.


Good old Chaes Cramer drives Constantine to a church to meet the white bitch from the Chronicles of Narnia, who’s playing the half-man half-woman half-angel Gabriel. So back at the detective chick, Angela’s house, she’s trying to find out why her sister killed herself when the phones start ringing. This scene sent chills up my arm, but back to the demon ass kicking. Constantine is attacked by a bunch of bugs; the CGI may not be the greatest ever but it still looks pretty bad ass!


[frick]ing Snake Face up in here! The first time I saw this I felt like Mister Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas showed up in live action. It’s pretty cool, I can’t lie!


Oh I can’t help but mention the music at Midnight's bar- it’s [frick]ing "A Perfect Circle"; I couldn't think of a better band to provide the sound track. You can’t go wrong with APC or anything Maynard Keenan created. I was just left wanting more of it!
So ignore whatever they talk about at the bar, clench your asscheeks, and prepare to shit your pants, 'cause it gets better!



At first I didn’t recognize this man known as Balthazar, but its mother[frick]ing Gavin Rossdale....You know, the lead singer of "Bush"...Married to Gwen Stefani? Come on, you noobs don't know anything do you!
Well, I’m not gonna give you a lesson on "Bush" and for once I ain’t talking about women! And since we’re talking about sex here, we have to talk about dicks! And John Constantine is definitely a dick. He makes fun of Angela’s dead sister, tells the bitch to get out, and tells her to stop trying to give him a damn history lesson.

After she leaves, he’s like "OH [frick] this bitch is in trouble I better go watch out for her!" He then goes out and kills about 100 demons, I got no complaints!
What I couldn't get over was the scene with the pussy. And no I ain't talking about vajayjay, I'm talking about the ktty cat!



He's almost a better actor than the Even Stevens guy,
I also love how the slow-mo effects where done when John ends up traveling to hell its just bad ass! And a seriously grotesque and epic scene of a post apocalyptic version of earth; it’s pretty much the scene on the back of the DVD case.



It really makes you want to see more of hell because it’s only a brief glimpse, and when John’s talking about his past seeing the demons pop up surprises the [frick] out of you even if you've seen the movie a few times.
So later on John goes on a hunt to find out what the hell is going on. What I found interesting was that there’s even a version of the bible in hell. John ends up losing a friend to a bunch of flies.




The scene where the fly comes out of the guy’s eye really reminded me of the old MTV Aeon Flux show, but that movie was a pile of shit.


Anyway, Angela wants to see what her sister saw, meaning John’s going to have to drown her so she can see the demons and angels who walk the earth as Halflings. Now doesn't that sound a hell of a lot better than sparkling vampires?

John's pissed because he found out Balthazar killed his homies and he ain’t gonna put up with that shit. He’s gonna go on a demon killing spree.
Seeing Ted Theodore Logan of the Wylde Stallions battling Gavin Rossdale of "Bush" is a pretty short fight, but the way it kicks off is sweet.
He uses a [frick]ing blowtorch through a mirror; it’s so bizarre seeing Gavin Rossdale looking so nasty, but I think I’ve seen him look much, much worse.

So after [frick]ing up Balthazar, John finally gets to use the chair he was trying to earlier in the film. Mister Even Stevens has to get his two cents in, but the ending’s the best part. It turns into an old school video game style action filled shoot 'em up, with our boy Constantine shooting the shit out of some demons. Apparently Angela carrying the antichrist into the antichrist and old Chas is beaten to death. FINALLY.

If they make a sequel they better not bring his character back. If anything, bring back Gavin but not Transformer-Ass. But The White Bitch returns to reveal that she’s going to help [frick] up the earth! Not before Constantine gets hold of Lucifer, who is pissed off that his deadbeat son’s trying to take over earth before he can. Then he [frick]ing blows Gabriel’s [frick]ing wings off!
Watching Lucifer trying to drag Constantine out is so freaking cool; the ground literally breaks around him and since John sacrificed his soul to save another one he is granted passage into heaven- but not before Lucifer completely heals Constantine of all his wounds, including cancer, because he knows he’s going to [frick] up and end up back in hell eventually.

This Movie Rocks. That’s all I can say. You’d have to be a soul-less dick to not enjoy this movie. And that’s pretty much the end of the film; the only thing I disagree with was the choice in the ending. Having John quit smoking seemed like the right thing to do, I guess, but I would have rather he kept smoking because that was like his signature throughout the movie, and it really takes the bad ass quality of Constantine and turns him into a paansy. The ending should have had him lighting a smoke and going out to kick some ass. It may not be the best movie ever made but I [frick]ing love it; it’s a movie I can watch more than once, doesn't bore me to sleep with too much wordy nonsense, and is straight to the point with no bullshit. Well I guess until the ending.


There’s even a [frick]ed up after-credits scene where the [frick]ing Disney Douche had to have his last hooray when John drops off his lighter at Chas’s grave. Labutt shows back up as a [frick]ing angel. This scene should have been cut out of the movie completely because it leaves room to bring him back for a sequel, and no one wants to see Shitty LaButt act like a douche for 2 hours, except for Transformers fans who want to ride on that shitty Baysplosion trilogy.
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comicbookjerk
3/21/2012
Comic Book Jerk

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1 Comments


SpaceShipBoogy - 4/1/2013, 6:07 PM

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